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These are Second Hand Clothes, People

It's kind of funny to get messages from eBay buyers about how they feel "deceived" because the item I sold them said it was in "excellent condition," or "3/4 sleeves" and they thought it was "poo-poo condition," with "long sleeves," and now the entire experience has become a "complete nightmare" and their faith in humanity is pretty much lost.
Kinda funny, but also not.

Let's think about this, now: I'm this one, weird-looking, slightly ditzy person in Naples, Florida, selling used clothes on eBay. Oh, yeah--I'm here, rubbing my hands together like some evil villainess, plotting to "deceive" you into paying 15 bucks for a pair of vintage Lilly Pulitzer capris pants. So I could enjoy hearing how I've ruined your life with an ancient rust stain that I missed? Because I secretly need a pen pal so we can send skirts back and forth and debate if the elastic is brittle? If I was truly clever enough at deception and selling you bad shit with impunity, I'd have a nice, fat federal government job--believe me.

I'm 5'9". I have a stumpy little torso and freakishly long arms and legs. My husband is 6'3". We wear the same inseam pants. If you ask me if a pair of pants are "cropped" or "capris," or sleeves are 3/4 or "short"--well, you can go by the measurements I've provided. Because, there are general guidelines, but practically speaking, when you ask me if these will be capris or cropped on you, how the hell should I know? And. Vanity sizes are a bitch.

Finally, if a pair of secondhand shoes that you ordered off eBay can make your life a "nightmare," maybe you need to re-think your stress levels. Maybe you have too much and you should find your own secondhand shoes at the Goodwill so you don't run the risk of a well-intentioned eBay seller tipping you over into the "hate spiral" of recriminations and vengeance. Or, maybe you really don't have enough stress. Was your childhood "ruined" by the lame Star Wars prequel or by the revelation that some mid-level, has-been child actor is actually a lesbian? Congratulations! You had a very protected and wonderful childhood. As a kid, I had this recurring nightmare about wearing cranberry muffins for shoes. They were heavy and small, like lead hooves. I could never run away from the fire-headed, leg-chopping monster that pursued me in those dreams because my shoes would sink into the ground. That was a shoe nightmare. Now we're grown-ups. Unemployment is a stupidly desperate nightmare. Drowning in debt is a nightmare. Alzheimers, dementia and mental illness are nightmares. Having a child die and bill collectors harassing you about the hospital bills is a nightmare. 

If you're having any of those issues, and don't need anything else to go wrong, or if you NEED those shoes for a wedding or for your mother's funeral next week--shop retail, where you can try them on. Or, aside from stressful life events, don't shop at all for a while. They call it "retail therapy" but the hangover--waking up with credit card debt out the wazoo and a bunch of cheap Gap Crap or--if you're truly stressed--frilly Anthropologie maxi dresses or Christian LaBoutin shoes and Tory Burch dresses 2-sizes too small because you're "going to lose 10 pounds" is hell. Not a nightmare per se, because you can take your transgression back pretty easily, but annoying, because you have to go back to the mall and admit to yourself that by the time you lose 10 pounds, that shit will be out of style. Believe me on that one. I sell that stuff on eBay.


  1. I haven't even finished reading this and my kids are asking my why I'm laughing so hard.......


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